I ... don't know how to sing to that.

Michael Phelps won the 400IM on Day One of the XXIXth Olympiad. Yeah, that's right, the Olympics are happening again and Phelps is smashing more world records. Who's surprised?

I was hoping I'd get to recite my favorite quote ("America goes one-two yet again!"), but Lochte fails at life (not really) and got third, letting that bald Hungarian dude improve upon his bronze in 2004.

Whatever, there's still two Americans on the medal stand and Phelps is chatting with Lochte through the entire ceremony, smiling that goofy smile and making me really nervous, being someone who wants things to go exactly right and with the utmost decorum during such important moments as these.

Finally everyone's all settled and Lochte and Phelps get their hands over their hearts and then ... the Star-Spangled Banner is playing, but ... part of the beginning is cut off? And then they add another verse in there? And then right when we're all ready to sing, "...and the hooooooooome of theeeeeeeeee BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAVE!" it CUTS OFF. Phelps laughs a little, but I see that bafflement in your eyes, kid! I see it!

Normally, I'm talking all through the primetime coverage. I say what the commentators say before they say it, I tell whoever's watching with me about Roman Sludnov breaking a minute in the 100 breast before anyone else, I comment on Sasha Artemev's lines before Elfi opens her big mouth, but quoting Elfi from 4 years ago during Hiroyuki Tomita's stunning high bar routine? "I'm speechless." Except back then, it was because she'd never seen anything so good.

Right now, it's because I've never heard anything so ... wrong. It's the Olympics. Those kind of mistakes shouldn't be happening.

So while the rest of the world is marveling over how AMAZING Beijing has done so far, I will continue to point out and tally everything they're doing wrong. I'm also counting how many times Elfi mentions Sasha's "lines," but that's another story for another time.