Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Matt Wieters Can Slam a Revolving Door

If you didn't know already (which is blasphemy), Matt Wieters, a man who has never taken an at-bat above AA in his life, is projected by PECOTA to put up a .311/.395/.546 line this season. That would, um, lead the league. As a rookie catcher.

That is, of course, amazing. Less amazing, however, if you don't understand Wieters. See, one of the many flaws of PECOTA -- besides not having gray hair -- is that it doesn't tell you about the player's real life story. It's just a bunch of ridiculous stats. If one actually knew the background of Matthew McGillicutty Atticus Finch Numbers Leviticus Britney Joe Wieters III, Esquire, then PECOTA's projection for him would just be obvious fact, not stunning guess.

Fortunately, we have the commenters at Baseball Think Factory to fill us in on the facts of Matt Wieters. Forgotten on this list are the facts that Matt Wieters is the money you could be saving with Geico, that he knows the exact location of Carmen Sandiego, that he is the reason Waldo is missing, and that Carl Everett does not believe in Matt Wieters.

Still, they did a pretty good job:

  • Wieters' PECOTA is so good they are trying to figure out a new WIETERS projection system.

  • I loved the top comps: Alex Gordon and Ben Grieve. I mean, imagine the nerve of someone to compare Alex Gordon and Ben Grieve to the greatest ballplayer of our generation.

  • There are no sports curses, only teams that Matt Wieters doesn't like.

  • When a pitcher plunks Matt Wieters, the ball is awarded first base for enduring the pain.

  • According to Matt Wieters' calender, there are actually TWO Octobers.

  • Matt Wieters is accepted by the U.N. as a sovereign nation and will participate in the 2013 WBC.

  • Matt Wieters took batting practice this morning. There were no survivors.

  • Matt Wieters taught Sparky Lyle how to throw a slider, Hoyt Wilhelm how to grip a screwball, and revived Charlie Hough's minor league career by showing him a pitch he had invented just moments prior called the knuckleball. All "knuckleballs" thrown prior to that moment were actually figments of collective imagination. While filling in the gaps in the space/time continuum by creating false memories of 1940s knuckleballs, Wieters accidentally revealed the curveball to Candy Cummings in a dream. And from that moment on, the Law of Unintended Consequences became The Law of Whatever the Hell Matt Wieters Says Will Fucking Happen.

  • The so-called Large Hadron Collider? Just Matt Wieters facing off against Stephen Strasburg.

  • Every love song ever written is about Matt Wieters. Good thing Matt Wieters is a switch hitter. Does that mean Matt Wieters swings both ways? No. Both ways swing Matt Wieters.

  • Matt Wieters is so damn good that even his intangibles are tangible.

  • Once, when his team was losing by four runs in the bottom of the ninth, Matt Wieters hit a six-run homer to win the game. He didn't think anyone would believe a five-run homer.

  • Matt Wieters can make an omelette without breaking any eggs.

  • Bob Gibson admits that the inside of the plate belongs to Matt Weiters.

  • Matt Wieters was once drafted #2 in a fantasy league. The team drafting #1 was immediately kicked out of the league for collusion.

  • Matt Wieters drank Daniel Day-Lewis' milkshake.

  • Matt Wieters knows who Karim Garcia is.

  • Matt Wieters remembers all the names of Rickey Henderson's teammates, including the two guys who wear helmets in the field.

  • I had something hilarious to say here, but Matt Wieters thought of it first.

  • The mere thought of Matt Wieters can cause a Weeble to fall down.

And, of course, the absolute cream of the crop: Matt Wieter's mother's basement is so big that you can actually go to a baseball game in it.

Not to be lost is this little gem, not a fact as much as a pitch:

Hi, it’s Vince with Mattwow! You’ll be saying WOW every time you use this catcher! He’s like a chamois! He’s like a towel! He’s like a sponge. A regular towel doesn’t work wet - He works wet or dry. He is for the house, the car, the boat, the RV! Mattwow! holds twenty times his weight in liquid. Look at this! He just does the work! Why do you want to work twice as hard? He doesn’t drip, doesn’t make a mess. You wring him out, wash him in the washing machine. He is made in Goose Creek, you know they always make good stuff. You can cut him in half, use half of him as a bath mat, drain your dishes with the other half, use him as a towel. Olympic divers, they use him as a towel. Look at that! Completely dry! Put a wet sweater, roll it up, he dries your sweaters. Here’s some cola, wine, coffee and pet stains. Not only is the damage gonna be on top - there’s your mildew. That is going to smell! See that? The most absorbing We’re gonna do this in real time! Look at this! Put him on the spill, turn it over! Without even putting pressure, fifty percent of the cola right there. You follow me, camera guy? The other fifty percent, the color starts to come up. No other catcher's gonna do that! He acts like a vacuum! And look at this - virtually dry on the bottom! See what I’m telling ya? MATTWOW! You’ll be saying WOW every time!


Andy said...

Matt Wieters slayed a dragon...using only his batting line.

Goose said...

I happened to like "Jim Rice fears Matt Wieters".

Rook said...

Rumor has it that a pitcher's WAR lowers by one win per Matt Wieters plate appearance.