Friday, October 30, 2009

Tools to Victory!

I don't know about you, but my favorite part of each and every Joe Buck/Tim McCarver-broadcast is McCarver's segment entitled "keys to victory." Unfortunately for the popular tool franchise, Home Depot drew the short stick when picking advertising space and was stuck with the aptly renamed "Home Depot's Tools to Victory." This is unfortunate for two reasons: 1) Tim McCarver is saying and thinking up the tools to victory and 2) the tools to victory that are being said and thought up are by Tim McCarver. In case you missed it (which I find hard to believe because it is the most thought-provoking, knowledge-based portion of an already crisp, chemistry-filled, intelligently-weaved, and inspiring part of every broadcast), here it is:


Playing with house money, Pedro is the croupier.


Must win? You better believe it!

That was an actual graphic on a nationally-televised broadcast of the mother thumpin' World Series. The Phillies would have won game 2 Thursday night if only they had envisioned themselves gambling at a casino while Pedro Martinez collected and paid bets of fellow gamblers. Instead, the Phillies spent all their time drinking, gambling, and coming up with half-baked plans to "beat the house" and completely forgot to swing at all of A.J. Burnett's backdoor curveballs. In the meantime, Pedro was going about his business and doing his job as the croupier while Ryan Howard got high in the bathroom laughing his ass off while gazing at "The Men Who Stare at Goats" movie poster. "Clooney is an army Jedi warrior!" he would say as he laughed hysterically, striking out four times and turning fake double plays in the process.

The Yankees executed a much simpler plan of attack against the Phillies: win. I wonder how creative McCarver will get with his game 3 Tools to Victory. I came up with a few that I think should play well.

"Experimenting with Performance-Enhancing drugs, Pettitte is the supplier."

"Flying to Hawaii, Victorino is the travel agent."

"Rising from the dead, Derek Jeter is Christ."

"Touring the red-light district, Jimmy Rolilns is your guide."

"Win or be forced to play Game 4 down 2-1."

"May the best Molina win."

Stay tuned.


Anonymous said...

"Win or be forced to play Game 4 down 2-1."

LOL this is the best one. I hope they give this one to the Phils while the Yankees get something like "Hinske with your best shot."

Rook said...

"Hinkse with your best shot."

I cannot believe that hasn't been one yet.