Classy Chassy!

Murray Chass! Murray Chass! Murray Chass!

WILL NO AWARD MAKE GREINKE CRANKY?

I don't know about Greinke, but no award would make Rook cranky. No award for Greinke would make Rook very cranky. Even more cranky than a swanky Yankee who needs a hanky when he's crying and shaky.

Awesome headline. Awesome.

Zack Greinke pitched two seasons in one this season. If he had pitched only the better of the two, he would be a clear-cut winner of the American League Cy Young award. As it is, he will probably win the award anyway, but if I were voting - and I am not - I would vote for Felix Hernandez.

Fair enough. I mean, Felix did have the edge over Greinke in all of the 16 following categories:

ERA
ERA+
FIP
tRA
tRA+
K's
CG
ShO
WHIP
HR/9
K/BB
WHIP
K/9
RAR
WARP1
WAR

My bad. I screwed that up. Greinke beat Hernandez in all of those categories. Felix beat him in W/L and tied him in Intentional Walks. Oh and he beat him in Clutch Wins For A Competitive Team (C.W.F.A.C.T). Sadly, Greinke didn't compile any CWFACT's after May 7th. That's when the Royals realized they had no business leading the division by three games (18-11 record) and quickly returned to their familiar ways by going 47-86 over their last 133 games. Yeah, that's a .353 winning percentage. Can't get any CWFACT's like that!

Greinke was terrific this season, at times awesome, no question about it.

Wait for it...

In many of his games he almost seemed unhittable.

Keep waiting...

He won games on his own.

Almost there...

He had to because he pitches for the Kansas City Royals, one of the worst offensive teams in the major leagues.

Here it comes!

But then, the only worse offensive team is the one Hernandez pitches for, the Seattle Mariners.

Oh shit, son! You thought he was gonna change his mind to Greinke for a second, didn't ya? Wrong!

Fangraphs had the Royals as actually being a little worse offensively, but the Mariners did score fewer runs so I can see where Murray Man's coming from. Does it really matter that Hernandez played for an equally shitty offensive team? Felix had a run support of 5.6 per game and Greinke was at 4.8.

The answer is no, it does not matter.

But there are those two separate seasons Greinke pitched. In his 21 starts before May 31 and after Aug. 3 the 25-year-old right-hander had a 14-2 record and a 1.30 earned run average. Greinke, however, started 12 games from May 31 through Aug. 3, and the results weren’t as dominant as his 21-start performance.

Three stats. You are gonna give me three stats to work with here. ERA. Wins. Losses. Why even cite wins and losses? YOU LITERALLY JUST TALKED ABOUT HOW HE PITCHES FOR ONE OF THE WORST OFFENSES IN BASEBALL. Call me crazy, but I'm thinking that a pitcher's run support generally goes hand in hand with whether or not they win baseball games. Robin McLaurim Williams taught me that, and that man is anything but crazy.

In that stretch Greinke compiled a 2-6 record and had a 3.84 e.r.a. That’s not Cy Young material, and that’s what voters have to consider along with the results of Greinke’s 21 pre-May 31 and post-Aug. 3 starts and his over-all record: 16-8 and a league-leading 2.16 e.r.a.

3.84 ERA? That's the best you could do? Most of that came on the last day of your nitpicking sample size. He gave up six earned runs on August 3rd. That's not good, but it's also one freakin start. You also cited wins and losses again. That aint classy, Chassy. Okay, it's my turn... Felix Hernandez had a 4.13 ERA after his first nine starts to start the season. During that time he also put together a 1.34 WHIP. Now if that doesn't spell "Cy Young" I don't know what does. Booyah!

Bee-Tee-Dub, why is "e.r.a." not capitalized? That kinda bugs me. Whatever. Murray Chass is old.

In a different kind of separation Greinke pitched five complete games in his first 11 starts, then only one in his next 22 starts. Let’s not hold that against him, though.

Okay cool. So that means you're not going to include it in this article, right?

Hernandez has had only two complete games all season. On the other hand, Hernandez pitched a league-leading seven games without allowing a run in at least seven innings.

Yes, but Greinke threw more nine inning games without allowing a run. What are those called? Ah... I remember: shutouts. An actual statistic, not one you had your grandson look up on the computer thingy that Vorpies play with in their mother's basements.

Hernandez, a 23-year-old right-hander, did not survive the season without a “poor” period, but he limited the damage. In four games in May he lost three times, didn’t win once and had a 6.75 e.r.a. That, however, was the extent of his off-peak pitching.

I found a nine-start stretch that wasn't very spectacular either. Your grandson must think he's pretty slick, huh? Well I'm onto you Murray Chass III!!!

With a scheduled Sunday start against Texas and 17-game winner Scott Feldman remaining, Hernandez had 18 wins (only 5 losses), a .783 winning percentage, a 2.48 e.r.a., a .230 opponents batting average and 211 strikeouts in 232 innings. Those figures all placed in the top four in the A.L., a status unmatched by any other pitcher.

Cranky Greinke had 25 more strikeouts and a 2.16 ERA. Mister Chassy goes on to say more nonsense about wins and how amazing they are and how Hernandez could have ended up with 20 if he had a good offense behind him blah blah blah etc. etc. etc.

Alas, I am done with you, Chass. I will not take your sass, your tone is too crass. You tell time with an hourglass and watch baseball games with a spyglass. You, my dear friend, are an ass.

Rook is out!